This photo is one I am probably most well known for. It shows my weight loss transformation in my knickers and it is scary how dramatic the difference is isn’t it? I went from a size 30 approximately to a size 6-8. I loved the new me and whilst some people would consider a 6-8 as too thin I don’t think I looked too thin and was very comfortable at that size.
Maintaining my weight loss wasn’t too hard for the first year, I continued to follow Slimming World and eating healthily was my new lifestyle. I didn’t miss my old life as a morbidly obese binge eater who would consume extortionate amounts of biscuits and take away food every week! How could anyone miss that? I went on holiday and loved being able to wear bikinis and feel amazing. My life had changed in other ways too I was happy with my partner Stuart and my son Ben.
So what changed? In October 2016 when we came back from holiday I had gained a bit of weight and I had stopped running so much. I had done what many people do and enjoyed my holiday not worrying about the weight. The following month I struggled a lot more with my depression and started to comfort eat a bit more and the weight crept on a little. The weather was pretty rubbish and I didn’t fancy going out running in the rain and feeling down didn’t motivate me.
|We enjoyed Christmas! Ben’s jumper is padded and too big for him so makes him look like a fat Santa!|
Before I knew it we had Christmas, both myself and Stuart fell into the trap of buying unhealthy snacks over Christmas with the plan of “getting back on it” in January. We enjoyed drinks of Baileys, tubes of Pringles, bars of chocolate and bottles of wine. We were happy, we had a lovely family over indulgent Christmas and New Year. The weight just crept on though but of course we were happy with each other and didn’t worry.
The New Year came and we drew the line and other than the odd few meals out we have eaten on plan healthy meals since. We all know it isn’t just the meals though is it! I tried to stay on plan but still sneaked the odd few extra snacks in. Every time I looked at myself though I was happy enough with what I saw. Whilst I had gained weight I still felt comfortable with myself so didn’t feel motivated to change.
|About 2 stone over target and still feeling comfortable with myself on the whole.|
In around March I decided to start running again, I had to build up gradually because I had not run for so long but I was keen to get running again, probably helped by the improvement in weather! It wasn’t meant to be though and problems with my asthma stopped me. Now we are in August and my asthma is much better but still not great and I worry I wont be able to run again. It has proved extremely difficult for the doctors to find medication to control my asthma effectively which has been hard to accept.
I have been getting quite depressed, I worry that my asthma will never be at a level I can run again, I worry about various other things, all the things that are the foundations of my depression and it isn’t easy. This has led me to comfort eat for a few months now sneaking bits in here and there. As my weight has therefore crept up I have hated myself more and more and it has been a downward spiral.
Throughout the months of comfort eating I have continued to attend my Slimming World group and despite still gaining I know if I hadn’t kept going I would easily have gained more. I am ashamed of what I have become, I hope as you are reading this you understand that I am only human and don’t judge me. I really never wanted to be like I am now again but the reality is I am.
|One of our favourite healthy “on plan” meals|
Whilst I am currently around a size 12 and creeping into a 14. I guess I am still a long way away from how big I was when I started my weight loss journey but mentally I feel I am much closer than that. The old habits have been creeping back in. I have been eating packs of flapjacks that are designed for a family all to myself, I have bought packets of biscuits and pigged out on those and I have been missing meals because I am so full of the junk I have been eating.
I need to stop, I need to be open and share with you all these struggles and also show that despite losing over 10 stone I am human too and we all have the same struggles. I am going to take ownership of this now though and sort myself out. I cant keep eating in secret and gaining weight. I cant keep hating myself because of the way I am heading. I am going back to old habits from years ago before I lost weight and I know where that will lead, it will lead to the old me, the morbidly obese woman I once was. The signs are there now, the Jen who is lacking in confidence, instead of going out is feasting on a packet of biscuits. I have eaten more rubbish than I care to admit these last few months but the weight I am on the scales today is the end, I am going back down and I will be a size 6-8 once again.
|This is the Jen I will get back to, the Jen that felt like a princess!|
I am happy in my life but I need to become happy in myself once again and that means that I need to eat properly again and stop stuffing my face! I did this once and I can do this again! I am not a failure I succeeded once and I have significantly less to lose this time so I will do it again! I really hope you continue to read my blog and follow my journey as well as read all the other things I share. I love writing and will always be as open and honest with my readers as I can! Please feel free to share this with anyone you know who is struggling so they know they are not alone.
If you enjoy reading my blog please do feel free to click through the different tabs to find weight loss tips, reviews, lifestyle articles, giveaways, recipes and lots more! If you would like to sign up to receive my weekly newsletter containing all that weeks posts direct to your inbox so you never miss a giveaway or post that might interest you just pop your email address in the box below and don’t forget to also click to the confirmation email you will receive.