How to Surround Yourself with People Who Lift You Up
I used to think that having any friends was better than having no friends at all. Boy, was I wrong. After years of wondering why I felt drained after certain social gatherings, why my confidence seemed to shrink around particular people, and why some relationships left me questioning my worth, I finally realised something crucial: the people we choose to keep close have tremendous power over our mental health and self-perception.
If you’re in your 40s like me, you’ve probably experienced your share of relationships that didn’t serve you well. Maybe you’ve stayed in friendships out of loyalty, even when they made you feel small. Or perhaps you’ve tolerated family members who consistently bring negativity into your life because “that’s just how they are.”
Here’s what I’ve learned through trial, error, and quite a bit of therapy: surrounding yourself with supportive friends and positive influences isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Your mental health depends on it. And yes, it’s absolutely possible to cultivate these relationships, even if you’re starting from scratch.
Why Supportive Relationships Matter for Your Mental Health
The science backs up what many of us feel instinctively. Research shows that positive relationships can reduce stress hormones, boost our immune system, and increase our overall life satisfaction. When we spend time with people who genuinely care about our well-being, our brains release oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone”, which helps us feel calmer and more connected.
But the opposite is also true. Toxic people and negative relationships can trigger our stress response, leaving us in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Over time, this takes a serious toll on both our physical and mental health.
I remember spending years in a friendship where every conversation somehow became about what was wrong with me. My career choices were “unrealistic,” my parenting style was “too lenient,” and my dreams were “impractical.” After these interactions, I’d feel emotionally exhausted and full of self-doubt.
It took me far too long to realise that this wasn’t normal friendship behaviour. Supportive friends should celebrate your wins, offer comfort during tough times, and help you see your own strength when you’ve lost sight of it.
Recognising the Signs of Toxic People in Your Life
Before we can build a circle of positive influences, we need to identify the relationships that aren’t serving us. Toxic people aren’t always obvious; they’re not necessarily the ones throwing tantrums or causing dramatic scenes. Sometimes they’re the ones who subtly undermine your confidence or consistently make you feel “less than.”
Here are some red flags I’ve learned to spot:
The Constant Critic: This person always has something negative to say about your choices, appearance, or life decisions. They frame their criticism as “just being honest” or “looking out for you,” but their feedback rarely feels constructive or kind.
The Energy Vampire: You know the type, after spending time with them, you feel completely drained. They dominate conversations with their problems but show little interest in your life. Every interaction feels one-sided.
The Competitor: Instead of celebrating your successes, they turn everything into a competition. Got a promotion? They’ll mention their colleague who got a bigger one. Feeling proud of your child’s achievement? They’ll top it with their own parenting win. You know the type, you went to Tenerife and they went to Eleven-erife!
The Guilt Tripper: This person uses emotional manipulation to get their way. They make you feel bad for setting boundaries, pursuing your goals, or simply living your life on your terms.
The Fair-Weather Friend: They’re nowhere to be found during your difficult moments but expect your full support when they’re struggling.
I had to learn the hard way that recognising these patterns isn’t about being judgmental, it’s about protecting your mental health and making room for relationships that actually nurture you. Sometimes someone is more than one of these, but remember, supportive friends are never like this; they are as supportive of you as you are of them. Remember a good friendship serves you both.
How to Distance Yourself from Negative Influences
Once you’ve identified the relationships that drain your energy, the next step is creating some distance. This doesn’t always mean dramatic confrontations or burning bridges. Sometimes it’s about gradually reducing contact and setting firmer boundaries.
Start with small boundaries: You don’t need to cut people off completely right away. Begin by limiting the time you spend together or the personal information you share. If someone consistently brings you down, you might decline some invitations or keep conversations more surface-level. Perhaps tell yourself that you won’t answer their calls every time and only answer once a week, for example.
Use the “grey rock” method: When you can’t avoid toxic people (perhaps they’re family members or colleagues), try becoming less interesting to them. Give short, polite responses and avoid sharing exciting news or personal struggles that they might use against you.
Trust your gut feelings: If you dread seeing someone’s name pop up on your phone, that’s your intuition telling you something important. Listen to it. Consider muting notifications from them so you can deal with them when it works for you.
Practice saying no: This was huge for me. Learning to say “I can’t make it” or “That doesn’t work for me” without lengthy explanations or apologies felt revolutionary. You don’t owe anyone your time or energy.
Limit social media exposure: Sometimes, the easiest first step is unfollowing or muting people who consistently post negative content or whose updates make you feel bad about yourself. They won’t necessarily know that you have hidden them from your feed, but it could make such a difference. I have done this before, and the difference it made was amazing.
Remember, creating distance isn’t about being mean; it’s about making space for relationships that actually add value to your life.
Building Your Circle of Supportive Friends
Now for the exciting part: actively seeking out and nurturing positive relationships. This might feel daunting, especially if you’re starting with a smaller social circle, but it’s absolutely doable.
Look for shared values and interests: The strongest friendships often grow from common ground. Consider joining groups or activities based on things you genuinely enjoy, book clubs, hiking groups, art classes, volunteering opportunities, or professional organisations. I love the book club I go to and have made some great friends through it.
Be the friend you want to have: Show genuine interest in others’ lives. Ask follow-up questions. Remember important events. Celebrate their wins and offer support during challenges. Positive relationships are built on reciprocity.
Start small and be patient: Deep friendships don’t happen overnight. Begin with casual interactions, grabbing coffee, attending events together, or having phone chats. Let relationships develop naturally rather than forcing closeness too quickly.
Quality over quantity: You don’t need dozens of friends. A few genuinely supportive relationships will have far more positive impact on your mental health than a large group of superficial connections.
Be open to different types of friendships: Some friends might be your adventure buddies, others your deep-conversation companions, and still others your laugh-until-your-stomach-hurts crew. Each type of connection adds something valuable to your life. Be open to making friends with people of different ages, too!
Don’t overlook online connections: Especially post-pandemic, many meaningful friendships have formed through online communities, social media groups, or virtual meetups. Don’t dismiss these relationships; they can provide genuine support and connection.
Qualities to Look for in Positive Influences
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more intentional about the qualities I value in close relationships. Here’s what I now look for in the people I choose to keep close:
Emotional availability: They’re present during conversations, show empathy when you’re struggling, and are genuinely interested in your well-being.
Reliability: They follow through on commitments and show up when they say they will, both literally and emotionally.
Growth mindset: They support your goals and personal development rather than trying to keep you small or comfortable in old patterns.
Healthy boundaries: They respect your limits and have clear boundaries of their own. This actually makes relationships stronger, not weaker.
Sense of humour: Life is tough enough without taking everything too seriously. Friends who can laugh with you (not at you) make everything better.
Authenticity: They’re comfortable being themselves around you and accept you for who you are, flaws and all. If you feel you can be yourself around them, then this makes a huge difference.
Encouraging nature: They see your potential even when you don’t and help you believe in yourself during challenging times.
These aren’t impossible standards; they’re simply the baseline for healthy adult relationships. You deserve friends who bring out your best self and make you feel valued.
Nurturing and Maintaining Healthy Relationships
Building supportive relationships is only half the battle. Maintaining them requires ongoing effort and intentionality, but it’s some of the most worthwhile work you’ll ever do.
Regular communication: This doesn’t mean daily texts, but consistent check-ins show people they matter to you. A quick message asking how someone’s big presentation went or remembering their pet’s vet appointment can mean the world.
Create shared experiences: Plan activities together, whether it’s regular coffee dates, workout sessions, or annual trips. Shared memories strengthen bonds and give you things to look forward to.
Be vulnerable appropriately: Healthy relationships require some level of openness. Share your struggles and celebrate your wins together. This creates a deeper connection and trust.
Show appreciation: Tell your friends what they mean to you. Send thank-you notes. Acknowledge how their support has helped you. People need to know they’re valued.
Navigate conflicts maturely: Disagreements happen in all relationships. Address issues directly but kindly, focus on solutions rather than blame, and be willing to apologise when you’re wrong. Remember, you are an adult and need to act like one; don’t make it like playground arguments at school!
Respect their other relationships: Avoid jealousy when friends spend time with other people. Healthy people have multiple sources of connection and support. You don’t need a “best friend”, kids want best friends, you need friends, one might be a best friend for going for a bottomless brunch with, another might be a best friend for a wine and a gossip. Friends don’t need labels!
Be consistent: Show up regularly, not just during crises. Good friends are there for ordinary Tuesday conversations as much as emergency Saturday phone calls.
Mental Health Boosts From Friendships
When you’re surrounded by supportive friends and positive influences, you create a foundation that helps you navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience.
Increased self-worth: When people who know you well consistently treat you with respect and kindness, you start to internalise that treatment. Their positive regard helps rebuild your self-esteem from the outside in.
Better stress management: Having people to talk through problems with, celebrate successes with, and simply decompress with provides natural stress relief. You’re not carrying everything alone.
Expanded perspectives: Supportive friends offer different viewpoints and experiences that can help you see situations more clearly and make better decisions.
Accountability partners: The right people will lovingly call you out when you’re being too hard on yourself or making choices that don’t fit your values.
Joy multipliers, not fun sponges: Happy moments become even better when shared with people who genuinely celebrate with you. Their excitement amplifies your own. Avoid fun sponges that suck the fun out of you!
Safety nets: Knowing you have people who will catch you if you fall makes it easier to take healthy risks and pursue growth opportunities.
I can honestly say that intentionally surrounding myself with positive influences has been one of the best decisions of my adult life. My anxiety decreased, my confidence grew, and I started making choices based on what I want rather than what I thought would please everyone else.
Your Next Steps
Change doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step towards healthier relationships is progress worth celebrating. Start where you feel most ready, maybe that’s setting a small boundary with someone who consistently brings you down, or reaching out to reconnect with an old friend who always made you feel good about yourself.
Remember that you’re not being picky or high-maintenance by choosing relationships that support your mental health and personal growth. You’re being wise. At this stage of life, you’ve earned the right to be selective about who gets access to your time and energy.
The people in your inner circle should make you feel more like yourself, not less. They should celebrate your growth, support your dreams, and remind you of your worth when you forget it yourself. This isn’t too much to ask, it’s exactly what you deserve.
Building a supportive network takes time and intentional effort, but I promise it’s worth every bit of energy you invest. Your future self will thank you for choosing to surround yourself with people who truly lift you up and not bring you down.
