How to be kind to yourself after a bad day
We have all been there. You spill coffee on your white shirt right before a meeting. You send an email to the wrong person. You miss a deadline you swore you would meet. Or perhaps nothing specific happened at all. You just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and felt out of sorts all day.
When days like this happen, our first instinct is often to turn on ourselves. We replay the mistakes in our heads. We tell ourselves we are stupid, lazy, or incompetent. We assume everyone else is handling life perfectly while we struggle to keep our heads above water. That is before you learnt how to be kind to yourself and followed these tips.
But being mean to yourself never actually fixes the problem. In fact, research suggests it just makes it harder to bounce back.
There is a better way to handle the stress of a bad day. It is called self-compassion. It might sound a bit soft or fluffy, but it is actually a scientifically backed tool for resilience. It is about treating yourself with the same support you would offer a good friend.
This guide will walk you through exactly how to be kinder to yourself when things go wrong. I will look at why we beat ourselves up, how to stop the cycle, and practical things you can do tonight to feel better.
Why we are so hard on ourselves
It can feel strange to be kind to yourself when you feel like you have messed up. Many of us believe that being harsh is the only way to stay motivated. We think that if we accept our mistakes, we will become lazy or complacent.
Psychologists have found the opposite is true. According to the American Psychiatric Association, self-compassion is linked to greater resilience and optimism. People who practice self-compassion are actually more likely to learn from their mistakes because they are not paralysed by shame.
Think about it this way. If a friend came to you crying because they made a mistake at work, what would you say? You probably would not tell them they are a failure. You would tell them it happens to everyone and help them figure out the next step.
Self-compassion is simply offering that same grace to yourself. It preserves your emotional energy so you can actually fix the problem rather than just worrying about it.
How to be Kind to Yourself: The three pillars of self-compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading researcher in this field. She breaks self-compassion down into three simple parts. Understanding these can help you catch yourself when you start to spiral into negative thoughts. You can read more about her framework at Self-Compassion.org.
1. Mindfulness
This is just a fancy word for acknowledging what you are feeling without judging it. Instead of ignoring the stress or getting swept away by it, you just name it. You might say to yourself, “This is really difficult right now” or “I am feeling very stressed.”
2. Common Humanity
This is the reminder that you are not alone. Suffering and making mistakes are part of the shared human experience. When you have a bad day, it is easy to feel isolated. You might feel like you are the only one who cannot get it together. Reminding yourself that everyone struggles helps you feel less alone.
3. Self-Kindness
This involves actively soothing yourself. It means asking yourself what you need right now. It is the opposite of self-judgment. Instead of ignoring your pain or gritting your teeth, you treat yourself with warmth.
The “Self-Compassion Break”
If you are in the middle of a terrible day right now, you can try a quick exercise. It takes less than five minutes. It is based on the “Self-Compassion Break” developed by experts in the field.
Here is how to be kind to yourself, step-by-step.
Step 1: Acknowledge the pain
Bring the difficult situation to mind. Notice how it feels in your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your stomach churning? Say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” If that feels too dramatic, you can say, “This is stress” or simply, “Ouch.”
Step 2: Connect with others
Remind yourself that this is part of life. You might say, “Suffering is a part of life” or “Other people feel this way too.” This helps break the feeling of isolation.
Step 3: Offer kindness
Put your hands over your heart or on your stomach. Feel the warmth of your hands. Ask yourself what you need to hear. You might say, “May I be kind to myself” or “May I accept myself as I am.”
If you find it hard to come up with a phrase, imagine what you would say to a friend in the exact same situation. Then direct those words toward yourself. This is one of the biggest tips on how to be kind to yourself: treat yourself like you would a friend.
Reset your body with breathing
Sometimes your brain is too loud to listen to kind words. When you have had a stressful day, your body goes into “fight or flight” mode. Your heart rate goes up and your breathing gets shallow. You cannot think your way out of a physical stress response. You have to physically calm your body down first.
The NHS website recommends simple breathing exercises to help with this. You do not need any special equipment, and you can do it anywhere. This is an easy way for how to be kind to yourself.
Try this simple technique:
- Get comfortable. You can sit in a chair with your feet flat on the floor, or lie down on a bed.
- Let your breath flow deep down into your belly. Do not force it.
- Breathe in gently through your nose.
- Breathe out gently through your mouth.
- Try to count to 5 as you breathe in, and to 5 again as you breathe out.
Doing this for just three to five minutes can signal to your brain that you are safe. Once your body calms down, you will find it much easier to be kind to yourself.
Move the stress through your body
After a bad day, your instinct might be to collapse on the sofa and not move. While rest is good, sometimes you need to release the built-up tension first.
The Mayo Clinic notes that physical activity is a major stress reliever. It bumps up the production of endorphins, which are your brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters.
You do not need to run a marathon. A quick walk around the block can help. Doing some gentle stretching or yoga can also be very effective. It refocuses your mind on your body’s movements rather than the replay of your bad day. Even cleaning the kitchen or doing a bit of gardening counts. The goal is just to get out of your head and into your body.
How to be Kind to Yourself: Create a transition ritual
One of the hardest parts of a bad day is leaving it behind. We often carry the stress from work into our evening. This ruins our free time and affects our sleep.
Creating a transition ritual can help you draw a line under the day. This acts as a signal to your brain that the stressful part of the day is over and the personal part has begun.
The “Brain Dump”
If your mind is racing with all the things you didn’t get done, write them down. Keep a notebook (or a scrap of paper) and list everything that is worrying you. Once it is on paper, tell yourself you can deal with it tomorrow. You no longer need to hold it in your head. Mayo Clinic Health System experts suggest that journaling is a great way to release pent-up feelings.
The Digital Detox
When we feel bad, we often scroll through social media to distract ourselves. But seeing everyone else’s “perfect” lives can make us feel worse. It is often better to put the phone away for an hour. Focus on something real in front of you, like cooking a meal, playing with a pet, or reading a book.
Set boundaries for your evening
How to be kind to yourself starts by protecting your time. If you have had a rough day, you might not have the energy to help everyone else.
It is okay to say no. If you had plans to go out but you are exhausted, it is okay to reschedule. If a friend calls to vent about their problems, it is okay to say you cannot talk tonight.
Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect. It acknowledges that your energy is finite and that you need to recharge.
Connect with the right people
While solitude can be healing, isolation can be dangerous. Sometimes the best way to be kind to yourself is to let someone else be kind to you.
Call a friend who is a good listener. You do not necessarily need them to fix your problems. You just need them to listen. As mentioned in resources from the Mayo Clinic, connecting with others can offer distraction and support.
However, choose your person wisely. Avoid the friend who will pile on more drama or tell you what you “should” have done. Call the friend who will make you tea or crack a joke that makes you laugh. Laughter actually cools down your stress response and aids muscle relaxation.
Focus on basic needs
When we are stressed, we often neglect the basics. The simplest way we neglect ourselves, and actually how to be kind to yourself, is to stick with the basics. We skip dinner, stay up too late, or drink too much caffeine or alcohol.
Being kind to yourself involves acting like a responsible parent, to yourself. Ask yourself what your body actually needs.
- Water: Have you had enough to drink today?
- Food: Have you eaten a nutritious meal, or just snacks?
- Sleep: Are you planning to get to bed at a reasonable time?
Prioritising sleep is particularly important. Sleep is when your brain and body recharge. A lack of sleep can make everything feel worse tomorrow. Try to keep your bedroom cool, dark, and quiet.
How to be kind to yourself: Talk to yourself like a coach, not a critic
Pay attention to the voice in your head. If you catch yourself saying things like “I am such an idiot,” try to pause.
Imagine a sports coach. A bad coach screams at players when they miss a goal. This makes the players nervous, and they play worse. A good coach says, “Okay, that didn’t go to plan. Shake it off. Focus on the next play.”
Try to adopt that “good coach” persona. Acknowledge the mistake, but focus on moving forward. “I messed up that presentation. It feels awful. But I prepared well, and I will learn from this for next time.”
Acceptance is key
Finally, accept that bad days are inevitable. You cannot control everything that happens to you. You can only control how you respond.
Fighting the reality of a bad day takes up a lot of energy. Wishing it hadn’t happened doesn’t change anything. Accepting it helps you move on. You can say to yourself, “Today was really hard. I didn’t get done what I wanted to. And that is okay. I will try again tomorrow.”
How to be kind to yourself: Frequently Asked Questions
Is self-compassion the same as self-pity?
No, they are quite different. Self-pity tends to isolate you. You might think, “Why does this only happen to me?” It keeps you stuck in the problem. Self-compassion reminds you that everyone struggles. It connects you to others and helps you move forward with a clearer head.
Will being kind to myself make me lazy?
This is a very common fear. Research shows the opposite is true. When we beat ourselves up, we often become afraid of failure. This can lead to procrastination. When we are kind to ourselves, we feel safe enough to try again. It gives us the emotional safety needed to take risks and work hard.
How long does it take to feel better?
There is no set time limit. Sometimes a few deep breaths work instantly. Other times, you might feel off for a few days. The goal isn’t to force yourself to feel happy immediately. The goal is to stop adding extra suffering by judging yourself for feeling bad.
What if I can’t stop the negative thoughts?
If you are struggling to turn off the inner critic, try writing the thoughts down. Sometimes seeing them on paper helps you realise how unfair they are. If the thoughts are overwhelming and affecting your daily life, it might be helpful to speak to a mental health professional.
Can I practice self-compassion at work?
Absolutely. You can do the “Self-Compassion Break” silently at your desk. You can take two minutes in the bathroom to breathe deeply. You can simply acknowledge to yourself that you are having a tough moment. You do not need to wait until you get home to start being kind to yourself.
Tomorrow is a new start
One bad day does not mean you have a bad life. It does not mean you are bad at your job or a bad person. It just means you are human.
Tonight, try to do just one thing from this list. Drink a glass of water. Do a five-minute breathing exercise. Or simply put your hand on your heart and tell yourself, “This is hard, but I am doing my best.”
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it, especially on the hard days. Perhaps you could pin this guide of how to be kind to yourself on Pinterest or bookmark it so you have it handy whenever you struggle.
