How to Improve a Negative Body Image When You Don’t Love Your Body

I’ve spent far more of my life thinking about my body than I would like to admit. At different times I’ve wanted it to be thinner, smaller or simply different, and I’ve compared myself with other women without really considering that I was usually comparing the bits of myself I disliked most with the bits of them I admired. I’ve avoided certain clothes, disliked having photographs taken and convinced myself that I’d feel much better about everything once I’d lost weight.

For a long time, losing weight seemed like the obvious answer to my negative body image and lack of confidence. After all, if being overweight was the thing making me unhappy with my body, surely becoming thinner would solve the problem?

I eventually lost around 10 stone, going from over 22 stone to around 12 stone and wearing clothes in sizes I’d never imagined I’d wear. There were lots of things I enjoyed about losing weight and I did become more confident in some ways, particularly as I became fitter and realised I was capable of things I’d previously avoided. What surprised me was that becoming much smaller didn’t completely change the way I looked at myself.

I could still find things I didn’t like. If it wasn’t my weight, it could be loose skin, the shape of a particular part of my body or simply the fact that I didn’t look quite how I’d imagined I would after losing so much weight. Over time I’ve realised that I’d expected weight loss to do an awful lot more than change my weight. I’d expected it to change how I felt about myself too, and those two things aren’t necessarily as closely connected as I’d assumed.

What is negative body image?

Body image is essentially the relationship we have with our own appearance. It includes how we see our body, how we think other people see it and the thoughts and feelings we attach to it.

Having a negative body image can show itself in lots of different ways. You might constantly compare yourself with other people, avoid photographs, repeatedly check your reflection or feel uncomfortable wearing certain clothes because you’re worried about how your body looks in them. For some people it can mean frequently weighing themselves or checking particular areas of their body for changes, while others avoid mirrors and photographs because they’d rather not see themselves at all.

I’ve experienced different versions of this over the years, but one of the biggest issues for me was allowing my weight to become connected to how I felt about myself generally. When I was losing weight I became obsessed with the scales, a good result on the scales could make me feel as though I’d succeeded at something, whereas gaining weight could affect my mood far more than a small change in a number really deserved to.

At the time, I didn’t necessarily recognise that as part of my relationship with my body because weighing yourself is so normalised when you’re trying to lose weight. Looking back, though, I can see how much importance I’d gradually attached to it.

Why losing weight doesn’t automatically fix a negative body image

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to lose weight if that’s what you want to do, and I certainly wouldn’t pretend that weight loss never affects confidence because my own confidence did change as I lost weight. What I would question now is the idea that we have to wait until we’ve changed our bodies before we’re allowed to work on how we feel about them.

I spent years attaching things to a future version of myself. I’d wear particular clothes when I was thinner, I’d feel more confident when I’d lost weight and I’d be happier having photographs taken once I looked better. It’s very easy to do because we’re constantly surrounded by messages suggesting that our new life is waiting somewhere on the other side of a transformation.

The difficulty is that when I eventually achieved a huge physical transformation, I discovered that I was still me. I hadn’t suddenly stopped comparing myself with other people or become completely comfortable with every part of my appearance. Some insecurities disappeared, but others were still there.

Since regaining weight, I’ve had to think about this even more. My body has changed enormously in both directions, and I’ve realised that I don’t want my confidence disappearing and reappearing according to the size of the clothes I’m currently buying. I can want to change my weight while also believing that the person I am today deserves decent clothes, photographs, holidays, days out and all the other things I once associated with being thinner.

Why I refuse to wait until I am thin to enjoy life

Changing the way you speak to yourself

One of the things I’ve become more aware of is how casually we can say horrible things about ourselves. If you have a negative body image it is easy to speak to yourself with hatred.

I’ve looked in mirrors and immediately focused on whichever part of my body I disliked that day, without really questioning why I was talking to myself in a way I wouldn’t talk to somebody else. If a friend tried on an outfit and I responded by listing everything I thought was wrong with her stomach, arms or legs, I’d quite rightly be considered an awful friend, yet somehow doing exactly that to ourselves can become completely normal.

I’m not a huge fan of the opposite approach either, where we’re encouraged to stand in front of a mirror and tell ourselves that every part of our body is beautiful. I’m sure that works brilliantly for some people, but if you genuinely dislike your stomach, repeating that you adore it twenty times probably isn’t going to make you believe it.

I’ve found the idea of becoming more neutral about my body much more useful. I don’t necessarily have to decide that every part of me is beautiful; I can simply stop treating the parts I don’t like as though they’re offensive. A photograph doesn’t have to be deleted because my arms look bigger than I’d prefer if it’s also a photograph of a lovely day I want to remember.

There is a huge amount of space between loving your body and hating it, and I think sometimes we overlook that middle ground.

My body positivity quotes to help you

Clothes, mirrors and constantly checking your body

Clothes have been surprisingly tied up with my body image over the years. I’ve kept things that were too small because I hoped I’d fit into them again, bought things as motivation and sometimes avoided buying clothes I really liked because I didn’t think my current body deserved the expense.

None of that actually made me thinner. Mostly it just meant I had a wardrobe containing clothes for several imaginary future versions of Jen while the current one still needed something comfortable to wear.

Buying clothes that fit the body you have now doesn’t mean you’ve abandoned any intention of losing weight. It simply means you’re dressing yourself today rather than waiting for your body to earn clothes you enjoy wearing.

The same applies to checking your body. It can be tempting to repeatedly look in mirrors, weigh yourself, try on something tight to see whether it fits yet or compare photographs to see whether your body has changed. I’ve certainly done plenty of that, particularly when I was losing weight and later when I was frightened of regaining it.

Checking can initially feel reassuring because you’re looking for evidence that you’re making progress, but if you notice that you’re doing it repeatedly or that the result has a big effect on your mood, it might be worth questioning whether it’s actually helping you.

For me, recognising how much power I’d given the scales was an important part of understanding my relationship with weight. I don’t think everyone needs to throw their scales away, but I do think it’s worth noticing whether you’re using them as a source of information or allowing them to tell you how you’re supposed to feel about yourself that day.

Easy ways to change your look and boost confidence

Social media makes comparison incredibly easy

Comparing our bodies with other people’s certainly isn’t something social media invented, but having hundreds of other bodies available to look at every time we pick up our phones hasn’t exactly helped those of us with a negative body image.

The strange thing is that we know social media isn’t an entirely accurate representation of real life, yet it’s still very easy to forget that when we’re scrolling. Even without filters or editing, lighting, posing, camera angles and simply choosing the most flattering photograph from twenty attempts can make an enormous difference.

I’ve become much more conscious of how the things I follow make me feel. If somebody’s content regularly leaves me feeling worse about myself, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with unfollowing or muting them. It isn’t a criticism of that person or their body; it simply means their content isn’t particularly helpful for me.

Following a wider range of people can make a difference too. Seeing different ages, sizes, body shapes and abilities represented in ordinary life helps counter the idea that there’s one particular type of body we should all be trying to achieve.

Your body can be more than something to look at

Something else I’ve tried to change is how much attention I give to what my body looks like compared with what it allows me to experience.

I don’t mean that in the slightly irritating “just be grateful for your body” way, because bodies aren’t always easy things to live in. I’ve had times when mine has been painful, unwell or simply refused to behave in the way I’d have liked, and I know plenty of people live with disabilities and health conditions that make simplistic gratitude messages particularly unhelpful.

For me, it’s more about remembering that appearance is only one part of my relationship with my body.

This body has carried and given birth to my son, walked around places I’ve wanted to explore, exercised at very different weights and taken me through some incredibly difficult periods of my life. It has changed with weight, age, hormones and health, and I’m sure it will continue changing.

I don’t have to love every one of those changes to recognise that my body has a purpose beyond looking good in photographs.

Exercise has helped me understand that too. When movement is only ever about burning calories or changing how your body looks, it can start feeling like punishment. I’ve found it much more helpful to think about what exercise allows me to do, whether that’s becoming fitter, walking further, feeling stronger or simply enjoying being outside.

You don’t need to look athletic before you’re allowed to exercise, just as you don’t need to lose weight before you’re allowed to wear nice clothes.

What I’ve learned from losing and regaining weight

Losing around 10 stone taught me a lot about body image, although probably not in the way I expected.

When I was losing weight, people commented on my appearance constantly. Most of those comments were well-intentioned and I enjoyed plenty of them at the time, but they also reinforced how closely I’d started linking being smaller with being successful.

When I later regained weight, I had to deal not only with my changing body but with everything I’d attached to that weight loss. It made me question whether I genuinely believed my value as a person changed according to my weight, because logically I knew it didn’t, even when emotionally it sometimes felt much more complicated.

My experiences with food and weight since then have changed how I think about all of this. I no longer believe confidence needs to wait until I’ve achieved a particular number on the scales, and I don’t think improving your body image requires giving up any desire to lose weight either.

Both things can exist together. I can want to improve my health or change my weight while also trying not to spend the months or years it takes to do that disliking the person I currently am.

When body image becomes something you need help with

Feeling unhappy with your appearance occasionally is extremely common, but sometimes body-image concerns become much more consuming.

If you’re spending a significant amount of time worrying about perceived flaws, repeatedly checking your appearance, avoiding mirrors, comparing yourself with other people or changing your everyday life because of concerns about how you look, it’s worth speaking to your GP.

Body dysmorphic disorder, usually shortened to BDD, is a mental health condition rather than simply being dissatisfied with your appearance. Similarly, if concerns about your body are affecting how you eat or leading to restrictive eating, bingeing, purging or other behaviours that worry you, it’s worth asking for professional eating disorder support rather than trying to manage everything alone.

I’ve had counselling and therapy at different points in my own life, and one thing I’ve learned is that understanding why we think and behave in particular ways can sometimes be much more useful than simply telling ourselves to stop doing them.

I’m still working on my own body image

I don’t want to finish this by pretending I’ve reached a stage where I’m completely confident about my body, because I haven’t.

There are photographs of myself I don’t like and clothes I try on before immediately deciding they’re absolutely not happening. There are times when I compare myself with other people, and my feelings about my body can still change depending on my weight and what else is happening in my life.

The difference is that I’m much more aware of it now.

I’ve lived in a body weighing more than 22 stone and I’ve lived in one around 10 stone lighter, and neither version magically determined whether I deserved to enjoy my life. I’m trying to become much less willing to postpone things because I don’t currently look the way I’d ideally like to look.

For me, improving my body image hasn’t been about learning to adore every inch of myself. It’s been much more about reducing the amount of space those negative thoughts are allowed to occupy and, most importantly, not letting them make all my decisions for me.

I spent enough years believing that confidence was something I’d eventually earn by changing my body. I’d rather work on having both at the same time.

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