Living With Complex PTSD After Domestic Abuse: What It Feels Like For Me
For a long time, I thought I was just anxious and worried too much. I thought I was overly emotional, easily startled and far too sensitive. I’d tell myself I needed to stop overthinking. Other people seemed able to move on from difficult experiences, so why couldn’t I?
It wasn’t until years after leaving my abusive relationship that someone mentioned Complex PTSD, or CPTSD. I started reading about it and, for the first time in a very long time, I felt seen.
I’m not writing this as a mental health professional or to tell anyone else what they’re experiencing. This is simply my story. Everyone’s experience of trauma is different, and if you’re struggling with symptoms like these, it’s important to speak to a healthcare professional.
This is what living with CPTSD has felt like for me.
I thought leaving would be the end of it, but I have Complex PTSD
When I finally got out of my abusive relationship, I genuinely believed that was it. I’d escaped, and life could start again. In many ways it did. I no longer had to live with the constant fear, uncertainty and walking on eggshells that had become my normal.
But what nobody prepared me for was the fact that my body hadn’t realised I was safe. My circumstances had changed and my nervous system hadn’t caught up.
For years afterwards, I’d react to situations that other people wouldn’t think twice about, and I’d often feel frustrated with myself because I couldn’t understand why. It was the complex PTSD, it is just the way it is.
Flashbacks aren’t always what people think
When people hear the word “flashback”, they often imagine someone vividly reliving a traumatic event as though they’re watching a film. Sometimes they can be like that. But for me, they’re often much quieter. Everyone with PTSD or Complex PTSD will be different, so for some they may be like films; others may have it quieter, like me.
Sometimes it’s a feeling I can’t explain. A knot in my stomach that appears out of nowhere. A smell, a tone of voice, a particular phrase someone says or even an accent. There are so many triggers that remind me of a time I would much rather forget. A time when I was scared, and my life was so different.
Even a certain look on somebody’s face can suddenly transport me emotionally back to that place.
Logically, I know I’m standing in my own home. Emotionally, for a few moments, it can feel as though I’m back there again. That’s one of the hardest things to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. You’re not choosing to think about the past, but your brain is doing it outside of your control because of complex PTSD.
Your brain has decided something in the present feels enough like the past to sound the alarm. Panic sets in, and it is almost as if I am there again.
My body often reacts before my brain does
One of the biggest surprises has been realising how physical trauma can feel. Before my mind has even worked out what’s happening, my body often has. My heart races, my shoulders tense, my breathing changes and sometimes I feel shaky for no obvious reason. It’s only afterwards that I realise something has reminded me of the past.
Sometimes these reactions happen in my sleep; in fact, for me, this is the most common time I have flashbacks and panics. I regularly wake up with my hands and arms in pain and tense from something in my sleep. It is such an unsettling feeling I really can’t describe, but I know it is my complex PTSD or cPTSD.
For years, I blamed myself for these reactions and thought I was overreacting. Now I understand that trauma doesn’t just live in memories. Sometimes it lives in the way your body has learned to protect you. Knowing that hasn’t magically stopped it happening, but it has helped me be a little kinder to myself.
I became incredibly good at spotting danger
People sometimes joke that I’m very observant. The truth is, I notice things because for years I had to. I notice changes in someone’s mood almost instantly.
I can usually tell if someone is annoyed before they’ve said a word, and I pick up on tiny changes in body language that other people don’t even seem to notice.
For a long time, I thought this was simply part of my personality; now I realise it was something I learned. It was a learned behaviour that was continuing due to my complex PTSD.
When you’ve spent years trying to predict another person’s behaviour, your brain becomes extremely skilled at looking for warning signs. The difficult part is that those skills don’t disappear just because you’re finally safe.
The guilt can be overwhelming
One thing I’ve struggled with is feeling guilty about reactions I can’t control. I’d think, “Why am I upset about this? It happened years ago.” Or, “I should be over this by now.”
Healing doesn’t work like that. Trauma doesn’t keep a diary. It doesn’t decide that enough years have passed and it’s time to stop affecting you.
I’ve had days where something tiny has completely thrown me, and I’ve felt frustrated with myself for letting it. Over time, though, I’ve realised that beating myself up has never helped me heal. If anything, it just added another layer of pain.
Recovery isn’t about forgetting
For a while, I thought healing meant never thinking about the past again. I couldn’t have been more wrong, that isn’t how complex PTSD works. The memories are still there. Some days they appear when I least expect them. I see something, and it reminds me of a day years ago and what happened.
The difference now is that they don’t control my life in the same way they once did. I’ve learned to recognise what’s happening and that difficult days don’t mean I’m back where I started. They are a symptom of my complex PTSD in the same way shortness of breath sometimes is a symptom of my asthma!
Healing isn’t measured by never struggling. Sometimes it’s measured by how much more gently you treat yourself when you do.
There is life after trauma
If you’d told me years ago that I’d one day be writing about my experience and complex PTSD publicly, I wouldn’t have believed you. Back then, I just wanted to get through each day.
Now, although trauma will probably always be part of my story, it isn’t the whole story. I’ve built a life I enjoy; I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt.
My life has moved on; I have been on amazing holidays, I am in a relationship where I feel loved and valued every day, and I’ve made memories that have nothing to do with what happened to me.
I’ve learned that surviving isn’t the same as living, and slowly, sometimes frustratingly slowly, I’ve been learning how to do the second one.
I still have difficult days and moments when the past catches me off guard. But I also have countless ordinary days now, and for a long time I didn’t think ordinary would ever feel so precious.
If you’re reading this because it feels familiar
If any of this sounds like your own experience, I hope you know one thing.
You’re not weak or “broken.”
And you’re certainly not failing because your brain and body are still trying to protect you.
Please don’t take this article as a diagnosis. If you’re wondering whether you might have Complex PTSD or you’re struggling after abuse, speaking to your GP or a qualified mental health professional is an important first step.
For me, understanding what was happening didn’t fix everything overnight, but it did replace years of self-blame with something I’d never really given myself before.
Compassion, and sometimes, that’s where healing begins. Learning to love yourself and respect yourself means that you can move forward and change how you deal with situations in the future. It is important to learn that you cannot change your past, and you cannot control how your body reacts to it. You can, however, change how you treat yourself when this happens.
One really important thing that my therapist said to me, which changed so much for me, is that I need to treat myself in these incidents with kindness. I should consider how I would treat a child or friend who had experienced this and remember to treat myself with the same love and kindness.
An example of this is when I have a flashback because I hear someone with a specific accent speaking. I used to be angry with myself for linking the two and punish myself by putting myself down, calling myself stupid, etc. Then, with this new mindset and strategy, I considered it another way: if a child hears a voice they associate with fear and they are frightened, what would you do? You would give them a cuddle and make them a warm drink, perhaps, or run them a bath to help them relax. You wouldn’t shout at them for linking the two, so why do you do that to yourself?
If you have been in a difficult, abusive or controlling relationship, whether that be an intimate relationship, a familial relationship or even with a friend, then you are not to blame. There is support out there for you, and in time you can move forward. Please try to be kind to yourself. If you think it would help you, then perhaps speak to your GP or a therapist about possible PTSD or Complex PTSD, but remember, whether you have a diagnosis or not, your feelings and experiences are valid.
Other articles you may find helpful
Here are some other posts I have written and shared that I think you may be interested in or find helpful.
- Things I didn’t know were abuse until years later
- A male experience of an abusive relationship
- My experiences of coercive control (the cause of my complex PTSD)
- When friends give you the silent treatment
- My Dad and the difficult relationship I had with him (also part linked to my Complex PTSD)
- Spotting the signs of domestic abuse
Also, these articles may help if you, like me, are trying to move on from a previous abusive relationship. They won’t cure your PTSD or Complex PTSD, but they may help you to feel you can move forward.
- Finding new friends as an adult
- How to stop worrying about what other people think and build confidence
- How to take me time without feeling guilty
- Spending money on yourself without guilt
- Self-care isn’t selfish – ways to look after yourself
For more self-care guides, check out my wellbeing section.
If you need help with Complex PTSD, PTSD or other mental health problems, then your GP is always a good first step for support.
PTSD UK is also a good resource for support with both PTSD and Complex PTSD.
Please do let me know in the comments if this article has helped you in any way or perhaps helped you to understand someone with complex PTSD and why they behave as they do.
