The Secret Struggle Behind My Weight

This is going to be a very hard post to write, but I feel I need to share to help me move forward, and also because I owe it to my lovely, loyal readers. I started Just Average Jen when I had lost a lot of weight, 10 stone 4lb to be exact. I had gone from a size 30 to a size 6-8 in about 18 months. I followed Slimming World at the time. However, now I want to be open and honest with you and share some difficulties I had during that journey, and that still plague me. The smile in the photo below when I was slimmer hides a lot of things going on.

The truth of my weight loss

I have to admit to you guys and myself that it wasn’t just Slimming World that helped me lose weight. I had a very unhealthy mindset, probably a kind of eating disorder if I am truly honest. Whilst following the Slimming World plan, I also regularly skipped meals, overused laxatives, and had a very unhealthy relationship with the scales.

There, I said it, I know it sounds crazy, but this is what I did, and I guess it must have contributed to my weight loss. I am so ashamed and embarrassed about this, but I am working now on a healthier way forward, so I wanted to openly share what I did, my thoughts and what I am doing about it now.

So, what exactly did I do during my weight loss journey?

Yes, I stuck to the Slimming World plan, but I often skipped meals out of fear of gaining weight or not losing enough. If I’m being truly honest, I skipped meals at least 4–5 times a week, and I often didn’t eat breakfast, so it was probably even more than that.

I also took laxatives. It started because of some constipation, but then it turned into a habit. I used both tablets and suppositories, and it became an addiction. On average, I was taking 2–3 a day, way above the recommended short-term dose. I can’t even describe how ashamed I feel about that.

I weighed myself every day, sometimes two or three times, even more. Any small weight gain, even the natural fluctuations, would upset me and push me to double down on skipping meals or using laxatives. It spiralled into what I now recognise as a disorder, or at the very least, disordered eating, addiction, and anxiety all combined.

What has happened since I lost 10 stone?

After I lost 10 stone, I managed to keep it off for about a year. But looking back, I can see that I was using some pretty unhealthy methods, mostly the same harmful habits I shared above. I hid it really well from those around me, and even Stuart, my partner, didn’t know everything until I opened up to him recently.

Since then, my weight has fluctuated a lot. Overall, though, I’ve gained more than I’ve lost, and now, almost eight years later, I’m actually bigger than I was when I first started. Stuart has also gained weight, so it is something we need to work on together.

Part of me is terrified to get obsessed with weight loss again. I’m also happy in my relationship, and I’ve been dealing with my mental health struggles (which probably need a whole post of their own!). Life just got complicated, I guess, and I’ve found myself back at square one, feeling stuck and ashamed.

I feel embarrassed. I feel so ashamed. I’m also scared about what people might think of me after reading this, so please, if you’re here reading this, be gentle with me.

Moving forward with my weight my options

As far as I see it I have a number of options moving forward to lose my weight healthily. Here are my thoughts of each and why I have made the choices I have. I am not saying these thought may not change in the future but this is where my head is at now.

Bariatric Surgery

About 18 months ago, during a routine appointment, my GP asked if I felt I needed help with my weight. I said yes, hoping they might offer different types of support to help me lose my weight safely. I had no idea what that would actually look like.

A few weeks later, I got a letter saying the waiting list for the bariatric team was long, so I didn’t think too much of it. I just assumed I’d eventually get to speak to someone who could help. When my appointment finally came, I was completely unprepared for what I found out: I had been referred for bariatric surgery without realising it.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. It wasn’t the kind of help I’d been expecting with my weight. I was honest with the team about my past issues and explained that I was worried. I hadn’t asked for surgery, and I needed time to think about whether it was the right choice for me. They gave me some information and told me to take some time to consider my weight loss options.

My thoughts on Bariatric Surgery

Since my appointment with the Bariatric team, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking through my weight loss options. I’ve read countless stories and lots of information to understand more about the process, both before and after surgery.

While I know every area might do things a bit differently, here, if you’re put on the bariatric surgery pathway, it usually takes about a year. During that time, you’re expected to follow a specific eating plan: smaller portions, no drinking with meals, higher protein, and so on, to prepare you for the changes you’d need to make after surgery.

After surgery, the lifestyle changes are lifelong, and they vary depending on the type of procedure. For example, in the early weeks, you’re limited to protein shakes (which, honestly, I don’t enjoy). Later on, you’re still restricted to small portions, and there are things you might never really be able to do again, like going for a bottomless brunch, which is something I love to do a few times a year.

Right now, I don’t think bariatric surgery is the right choice for me, although I might change my mind someday. The main reason is that I feel these strict changes would improve my weight, but wouldn’t help my disordered eating issues, and might even make them worse. Another reason is that I truly believe there must be a less drastic way to lose my weight than with major surgery. Finally, I want to enjoy life, and for me, that includes the occasional meal out (without obsessing over portion size), bottomless brunch or treat.

I just can’t picture a life where I have to constantly think about what I eat every single day, for the rest of my life, without any exceptions.

Weight Loss Injections

If you haven’t heard about weight loss injections yet, well, where have you been? They’re everywhere these days! I’ve talked about the different types before, so I’ll keep this brief.

Personally, my GP hasn’t offered them, and the bariatric team I was referred to doesn’t include them as part of their treatments. That means if I wanted to try weight loss injections, I’d have to pay for them myself and rely only on the supplier’s support.

My Thoughts on Weight Loss Injections

While I’ve seen some people have success with weight loss injections, I’ve decided they’re not for me. There are several reasons for that, but please don’t take this as judgment, I respect anyone who chooses them for themselves.

For me, one big concern is that they haven’t been studied enough long-term, so I worry about potential side effects and how effective they are over time. Another reason is that I don’t think they would help with my weight loss long-term because of disordered eating or past addiction issues. I’m genuinely scared that using them could trigger old habits, and that’s something I’m desperate to avoid.

Rejoining Slimming World

There are several reasons why I don’t want to rejoin Slimming World. While it works well for some people, I don’t think it’s the right fit for me right now. I have doubts about how effectively they support people who need to lose a large amount of weight, and help them maintain that loss long-term. I know quite a few people who have lost a lot with Slimming World but have since regained the weight.

Another concern is that, at the end of the day, Slimming World is a business. While the consultants are kind and supportive, they’re employees trained by the company and not medically qualified professionals. A business naturally aims to make money, so I wonder what incentive there is to help members stay at their target weight without continuing to buy into the program.

But my biggest reason for not wanting to rejoin Slimming World, or any weight loss group, is that I know it would likely bring back my weight struggles previously mentioned. I’m certain that the disordered eating, meal skipping, obsession with the scales, and laxative use would quickly creep back in.

So what am I doing?

Now that I’ve shared what I’m not doing, I want to talk about what I am doing about my weight and what I’ve been focusing on for the past four weeks. It’s been going fairly well so far, and I’m hopeful it continues that way. Here’s what’s working for me right now:

Eating Healthily: I’m avoiding most processed foods (apart from the occasional Quorn and the odd treat like a Skinny Bar!).

Moving My Body: I’m exercising in a way that feels good for me, walking in my local area or using my cross trainer at home while listening to audiobooks.

Accountability Without Obsession: I’m not weighing myself at all, but to keep some accountability, I’ve asked Stuart to weigh me weekly (but not tell me my weight) so he can track my progress. Every few months, he’ll let me know how I’m doing. I have to admit I am finding this hard, but so far I have stuck to it.

Opening Up: I’m trying to be open and honest with friends, family, and you all about my weight struggles so I can get the best support possible. I’ve already had some lovely encouragement, and it means the world.

Looking Ahead

I know this is a long journey, and I need to stick with it to move forward. It’s probably going to be a lifelong challenge, but one where I can learn to enjoy things in moderation, lose weight safely, and become a healthier version of myself.

I’m also starting a weekly catch-up post to share how things are going. I’ll include updates about my progress, my weight loss non-scale victories as that is what I am focusing on now, what I’m reading, any life changes, holidays booked, whatever’s happening! So, keep an eye on that and on my social media to follow along, and please encourage me if you can.

I hope that this has helped explain where I am at, the sudden influx of posts on social media about my food and exercise, and maybe even help someone else to address their difficulties or move forward.

TL;DR:

I’m opening up about my complicated relationship with food and my weight loss. I lost 10 stone but struggled with disordered eating habits like skipping meals, laxative use, and daily weigh-ins. After being referred for bariatric surgery, which I decided isn’t right for me, I’ve chosen to focus on a healthier, more sustainable approach. I’m not rejoining Slimming World because I feel it doesn’t suit my needs right now, especially given my history with disordered eating. Instead, I’m eating balanced meals, avoiding most processed foods, exercising in ways I enjoy, and having my partner weigh me weekly for accountability. I’m committed to sharing my weight journey openly and learning to heal my relationship with food and my body.

If this has made you think differently about food and weight loss or you have any questions about my thoughts or experiences, please do pop them in the comments below.