The Best Way to Lose Weight is With Self-love

Love your body and lose weight at the same time – does it sound too good to be true? So many of us have been made to believe that to slim down we need qualities like military discipline, willpower and the ability to stick to a harsh regime, i.e. forcing our body and mind into a generic ideal, often ignoring our genetics, lifestyle, metabolic rate, and individual psychological factors. Self-love is rarely mentioned.

I find that when I am fighting against my nature, I don’t have a great time and my nature wins in the end anyway. 

Losing weight with self-love builds on your body and mind’s unique ways of being, so we’re going with the natural flow, not against it. This leads to healthier choices and ways of relating to one’s body and makes losing weight enjoyable and, therefore, sustainable.  

I believe feeling compassion for yourself at the start (the Before picture) is an essential part of weight loss success, and it boasts so many benefits brutal diets could never match – for example, increased oxytocin levels and a general feeling of well-being throughout the weight-loss process, not just at the end result. 

Factors Most Diets Don’t Consider

The body and mind can interpret very restrictive dieting and excessive exercise regimes as forms of self-punishment and rebel by slowing down metabolism, making future weight loss even more difficult. In the case of dieting, the person may feel deprived of their favourite foods, which can then lead to overwhelming cravings for those types of food, leading to overindulgence, which brings about weight gain. 

For most of us, brutal self-punishing tactics are impossible to maintain over the long term. The longer we starve ourselves or exercise without pleasure, the more taut that rubber band of sheer willpower stretches, the more powerfully it springs back to square one, or worse – far past the point where we started. 

The weight increase can cause disappointment, loss of motivation and shame/guilt/embarrassment for not being able to stick with the plan. It’s not uncommon for dieters to blame themselves for lack of discipline, piling onto themselves more unrealistic expectations inspired by fitness gurus on social media. 

The idea that we all should be able to change our longstanding habits through sheer willpower is probably the most toxic concept the health industry instilled in the collective psyche. It purports that an individual’s value rests solely in the way she or he can achieve external milestones, as opposed to her or his internal experience, thus promoting the idea that the “perfect body” should be achieved at all costs – even if that means sacrificing one’s mental well-being. 

Shaming and blaming oneself for not sticking to a diet or exercising plan can only have a negative impact on one’s feelings, even if the ideal weight is reached temporarily. It can also lead to consuming large quantities of food for comfort and relief from self-imposed punishment. 

Why do some people use weight loss as self-punishment?

Here are some of the main reasons some people engage in self-punishing behaviour during planned weight loss:

Past Trauma or Abuse: Individuals who have experienced trauma or abuse may develop self-punishing behaviours as a way to cope with the emotional aftermath. Punishing the body through extreme diet and exercise can be a manifestation of unresolved trauma. Unfortunately, it often adds to, rather than reduces, the effects of the trauma in the long run.

Inner Criticism/Perfectionism: Perfectionists may set unrealistically high standards for themselves, and any perceived failure to meet these standards may lead to self-punishment. Intense dieting and exercise may be a way for them to feel like they’re on their way to finally satisfying their Inner Critic. However, since the ideal weight can’t be fixed in time, perfectionists often get stuck in a loop of striving for something out of reach. 

Body Image Issues: Poor body image can lead to a desire for control over one’s physical appearance. Some people may believe that punishing their bodies through strict weight loss measures is a way to achieve an idealised body image, hoping that the ideal, once achieved, will bring them relief from suffering. 

Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may engage in self-punishing behaviours as a way to cope with negative beliefs about themselves. They may believe that punishing their bodies and minds will make them more acceptable or worthy of love. 

Emotional Distress: Dieting and exercise can serve as a distraction from emotional pain, helplessness and other unpleasant feelings. Engaging in punishing behaviours may provide a temporary sense of relief from emotional discomfort, as doing something may feel better than doing nothing.

To Gain Control: If one feels out of control, it may feel like imposing harsh rules on oneself and forcing oneself to stick to them might put one back in charge of one’s life. This often puts too much of a strain on a nervous system that‘s already been weakened by circumstances outside of the individual’s power, adding to the problem.

It Might Feel Natural: The ways we treat ourselves are often grounded in childhood; we often start treating ourselves the way those around us treat us. It’s not always easy, but not impossible to change our relationship with ourselves to one that benefits us. Learning to treat ourselves with self-love and self-compassion is a great starting point. 

It’s important to recognise these patterns and seek support if you or someone you know is engaging in self-punishing behaviours related to dieting and exercise. Professional help, such as good therapy or counselling, can be beneficial in addressing underlying emotional and psychological issues. Developing a healthy relationship with food and exercise is crucial for overall well-being, and it’s essential to focus on self-love, self-compassion, and positive encouragement rather than punishment.

What is Self-love?

I define Self-love as the state of valuing one’s needs and feelings and prioritising one’s inner happiness as opposed to external appearances. Self-love is engaging in thoughts and behaviours that make you stronger.

In the context of healthy weight, self-love can be defined as the practice of letting go of self-judgement and detaching from the idea that our looks are the source of our self-esteem. It involves fostering a positive relationship with one’s body, emotions, and overall well-being. 

Whilst self-punishment can push us too far, causing additional stress; weight loss driven by self-love is about discovering yourself and finding the perfect balance of thinking, feeling and looking great. 

 Self-love tends to be more effective than self-punishment for several reasons:

Psychological Well-being: Self-love approach involves treating yourself like your best friend, fostering self-acceptance, forgiveness and compassion. It emphasises a healthy relationship with food and discourages extreme or punitive measures. This contributes to better mental well-being, reducing stress and negative emotions associated with excess weight, and replaces them with the feelings of loving and respecting one’s body. 

Self-nurturing Aspect: Perhaps most importantly, weight loss can be seen as a part of self-care that strengthens one’s connection to themselves, as they get to know themselves better. The mind doesn’t like the idea of “losing” anything, even if it’s unwanted weight. If the mind understands that the losses are well worth it, because it’s gaining something much greater in return, it’s much less likely to sabotage the process. As we stop letting ourselves down, self-trust and self-reliance improve and the places we were trying to fill up with food, get filled up with love and self-compassion instead. 

Comfort as Base Feeling: For those of us who go to food for comfort, it’s much easier to stick to a healthy lifestyle if the need for that comforting feeling (also known as love) is already satisfied. This approach is more likely to lead to lasting results than punishing crash diets, it’s also much more likely to improve overall physical health. 

A Sense of Adventure, Creativity and Self-discovery: Instead of using strict diet plans prescribing the exact foods we ought to eat and the specific times we ought to be eating them, we can approach the task with curiosity as to which healthy foods we enjoy eating and in which combinations. Coming up with your own unique recipes for foods that are good for you and enjoyable at the same time can be exciting, satisfying and become another avenue for understanding yourself better. Thinking about what or who different foods remind you of can bring about some happy memories of sharing them with your parents or siblings when you were a child. 

Unique Balance and a Sense of Authority: Weight loss with self-love encourages a balanced and holistic approach to health – discovering what’s best for us uniquely. Taking on the role of a Loving Parent/Cheerleader/Coach for ourselves involves treating ourselves with patience and kindness – sometimes for the first time in our lives. Leading your own transformation as opposed to relying on an existing programme, means that you can do things the way you want to and go at the pace that feels natural to you. 

Increased Motivation: Celebrating achievements, no matter how small, contributes to a positive cycle of motivation, which is so important in the beginning, before visible results start to show up. Afterwards, focusing on positive motivations, such as improved health, increased energy, and enhanced well-being, provides positive reinforcement, as we learn we are fully competent in balancing our wants and needs, long-term and short-term. 

Long-Term Changes: Basing your relationship with yourself on self-love and self-respect is really therapeutic. You may find that it affects other parts of your life where you were treating yourself too harshly, as well as transforms your outlook on life and your place in the world for the better. 

Ultimately, weight loss is most successful when aligned with a positive, self-loving mindset that prioritises overall health and well-being. 

How do you love yourself through weight loss? 

Here are key elements of self-love in the context of weight loss:

Prioritising Self-care: Whatever self-care means to you as an individual. This can include seeing sunlight first thing in the morning, re-organising your kitchen, having a relaxing bath with candles – any other activity that would remind you that you’re taking greater care of yourself. 

Mental Reframing: Challenging and reframing strongly held beliefs about weight and related topics can have the effect of putting healthy weight on auto-pilot. For example, if we tell ourselves that we “have to” lose weight, the Inner Rebel in us may refuse to obey. If, however, we instead remind ourselves that we are choosing to slim down, that no one is making us, and we’re doing this for our own benefit, the rebel within us has no reason to sabotage the progress, and the Inner Cheerleader can get to work. 

Setting Realistic Holistic Goals: These goals would ideally be based on creating long-term sustainable habits that contribute to overall health, including mental health. These can include: discovering and learning to cook healthy foods you like, engaging in enjoyable exercise and celebrating small victories. 

Mindful Eating: Mindful eating is an approach to eating that involves bringing full attention to the sensory experience of the food without any other visual stimulation. Not only does it slow down the process of eating and allows us to tune into the body’s fullness cues, it also dramatically improves our enjoyment of eating.

Challenging the Inner Critic: Meditation and mindfulness encourage us to listen to our bodies and minds and intercept thoughts before we believe them. Through meditation practices we can create a distance between ourselves and our thinking process, analyse it and replace the judgement with positive affirmations.

Installing the Inner Cheerleader: Often at the very start of a weight loss journey the results may seem insubstantial for the amount of effort one puts in. This is when self-praise is crucial as it motivates and encourages the individual to persevere. This is where the long-term holistic goal of better health in general is really helpful, due to concentrating on the process, moment by moment, rather than the end result – this is exactly what can make the process of slimming down so enjoyable. Saying things like “I am proud of you” to yourself also massively boosts self-esteem. 

Self-acceptance and Self-respect: Self-love implies acceptance of the self at every stage of the weight loss journey irrespective of the success or perceived lack of it. Treating yourself with kindness and understanding especially when facing challenges is exactly what builds that lovely connection with yourself that can make you feel loved, accepted, supported, valued and appreciated unconditionally for who you are now, not for who you are going to be one day.

Seeking professional help: It can be hard to learn to treat yourself with compassion when there is an underlying unconscious belief stopping you seeing yourself in a positive light. This is where Rapid Transformational Therapy can help. In sessions with my clients, we do a deep dive into the root, the core reason for excessive weight, until the client has an epiphany. We then build on that realisation, reframe and soothe anything that needs attention and update those old beliefs to beneficial ones. All of this is done in one sitting (it can be quite a long session), which is how you get your answers straight away.

Losing weight with self-love requires patience and the willingness to update your relationship with yourself to one of self-respect and self-appreciation. It’s much bigger and perhaps more spiritual a quest than slimming down in time for Christmas. It’s about approaching one’s body and mind holistically and considering one’s feelings at every step of the way to better health. 

If you’d like to find out more about self-love and how it can benefit you on your life’s journey, please read What is Self-love by Nika Nazarova-Evans

About the Author – Nika Nazarova-Evans

Nika Nazarova-Evans is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, writer and artist. She unapologetically believes in the power of self-love and relentlessly reminds people to love themselves through her writing, meditations and therapy treatments. Finding a home in oneself is the greatest joy of them all – and it outshines fairytale weddings, professional achievements and even becoming a millionaire. You can read more about her here.