Accepting Father’s Day Is Not For Me And My Father
Father’s Day is here again, a day when we celebrate our dad, the man who was part of bringing us into the world. The man who should be there for you no matter what. That isn’t always the case though, is it! My father has no interest in me.
For me Father’s Day is always hard and emotional, not because I am grieving for my dad like some people are but because I am grieving for the Dad that my Father is not and I believe will never be, here I will share why.
Childhood with no Father’s day
I grew up in a single-parent family. My Mum brought me up with my brother A and later on my half-sister J. I will use only everyone’s initials as I don’t feel it is fair naming them without asking them first!
My Mum and Dad split when I was 4 and I had no further contact with my dad until I was an adult. The first real father figure I had was when my Mum met my Step-Father when I was 13.
I never met my father again until I was an adult. For years there was no Fathers Day for me.
My Mum always did her best to be both parents but of course, she is not male and that makes a bit of a difference. I don’t blame her for that!
Having a step-father
My Step-Father and I have always got on well but never had a particularly close relationship as I guess I was quite mature by the time he came into my life.
He may not be related by blood to me but he is the person I consider most like my Dad. I have never really called him “dad” because given my age when we met it felt weird but he is great and I’m proud to have him as a stepdad. What makes a dad?
Is my biological father a dad?
So my biological dad does not deserve that title in my opinion. I got back in touch with him when I was a young adult around 20 years old.
He had remarried a lovely lady S, had a son N, and was adopting another son J. I was always made to feel welcome by S, my step mum, she sent me letters and chatted to me on the phone but my father was rarely interested.
I often found myself wondering why my father has no interest in me.
He made it very clear to me that N and J were his sons. Myself and my brother A (who had not sought contact) were not really part of his life anymore.
I only met him a few times and he was friendly enough but there was no affection there. My Dad seemed to want to treat me more as a distant relative than a daughter, he wasn’t interested in building a relationship up and contact was minimal.
It felt like my dad hates me and loves my brother (half-brother). I often wondered, why does my dad not love me?
Why does my dad not love me?
Unfortunately, around seven and a half years ago, my Step Mother S passed away. This was when I saw my Father’s true colours, in the months after her death he told me quite bluntly that he didn’t want to be part of my life. He said I was too like my mum and even looked like her (not something I can really help!).
He was very rude to me and it hurt, I cried for weeks about this however I convinced myself that it was the grief talking and we could still have a relationship. Why does my dad not love me, what did my father have no interest in me? I did nothing to deserve this.
I have tried numerous times since and he is still not interested in a relationship with me. Luckily he has always lived far enough away from me that we do not see each other in passing. He is over 100 miles away! I cried for weeks.
My father will not change
I have come to realise that I can not change my dad and that sometimes blood relationships mean nothing. I can honestly say I do not love my Dad, I do not hold any hatred for him but I do not love him, how can I when I do not really know him?
I have a distant relationship with his sons N and J and we chat occasionally online or over the phone, I do hope this continues.
Family is not always those who are blood relatives and share the same DNA. The family are those who are there for you and care for you in good times and in bad times.
My family
To me, my family consists of my Mum, my Step-Father M, my brother A and his family, my half-sister J and her children (who is a sister to me I only refer to her here as a half-sister so that my readers can understand who is who!), my half brother N and my adopted brother J.
I care about all of those people and my immediate family of my son Ben, and my boyfriend Stuart and I even class Stuart’s family as being like a family to me.
They are all people I care about and I believe care about me and the ones I would cry to if I had bad news or was feeling down. You are not alone.
Why I am sharing this
So why have I shared this with you? I know I am not alone, I know there are other people out there like me, who have difficult relationships with their fathers. My father has no interest in me but I can accept that because I can not control his feelings. I focus on the people I want in my life and not those who are not needed.
I hope on reading a brief description of my feelings and experiences you can feel a little less alone.
I am 36 now and it has taken me a number of years to come to these conclusions but I know now that I no longer need my father in my life.
I will not contact him asking for a relationship again, the ball is staying in his court. I am seeing my Step-Father M for Father’s Day because he is the only dad I need and he is amazing.
I wrote an update a few years after writing this article, it is called Dear Dad a letter that is too late when this man, my father died. Feel free to pop and have a read.
